One of the main reasons why relationships and marriages end is due to incompatibility. Some people are just too different to get along with each other, and they argue over big and small things. They might argue because one is more family-oriented and wants children early, while the other wants to focus on their career and enjoy their young adulthood travelling and experiencing new cultures. Or they might disagree on the colour of that new set of pillowcases they want to buy to change the feel of their living room. Yes, these people are TOTALLY incompatible…. I would have said some time ago. But now, I would beg to differ.

During one of my outings with my dearest friends Miha and Raluca from @sezatoareamoderna, we discussed failed relationships, romantic, friendships or family relationships. Raluca is the person who always steps back and challenges you to see things from a different perspective, and I appreciate that a lot. It’s the reason I’ve had an AHA moment and realised that my previous perspective on incompatibility might have been totally wrong. Let’s discuss!

What is compatibility/incompatibility? We might say it is a set of traits, characteristics, values and expectations that are similar or not. That sounds about right. But is it, really?! They say that “opposites attract”, and it might be true to some extent. When we are looking for a significant other, we find it interesting to get to know that person and their life story, their likes, dislikes, do they eat meat, drink coffee, travel often, read books, and so on. On this journey of getting to know one another, we might not be put off by them being different from us, but in contrast, we would be more intrigued, curious, and sometimes feel even adventurous. So why is it that after a while, those differences drive us apart?

I am not talking about significant differences such as values regarding family, work, health, money. Everyone should know their own set of values and know what they are willing to negotiate on and what is definitely non-negotiable. These things must be discussed and settled on very early in a relationship. DO NOT COMPROMISE MORE THAN YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH!

Let’s say you’ve discussed and both had an agreement on these important matters. I don’t think it should be considered incompatibility for all the other differences that come after. I believe that the two people involved in the relationship are responsible for finding a middle ground to manage each other’s differences. For that to happen, they must both want the relationship and consciously put in the effort to make it work. Let me create an example: let’s say I eat mainly a vegetarian diet, but my partner is the biggest fan of meat. In the beginning, this is a minor detail that has no significance, I really don’t mind it, and he doesn’t either. If we live together, I always cook separately for us, but with time as I get to know more about the meat industry, I am starting to reduce the amount of meat I purchase for his food whilst also trying to explain my actions. However, after a while, this turns to be a constant apparent reason for arguments.

We could say we are "incompatible”, right? But no. Now I’d rather say that we are not good at managing our differences, we are not good communicators/listeners, and our EQ might not be very high either. Through communication, understanding and equal effort from both parties, all these differences can be managed.

Instead of having a list of things you look for in a spouse, make a short list of things that are the most important to you, things that you cannot negotiate on. Once you find someone who shares the same 3-4 values, the rest is all a combination of effort, communication and “difference management“ from both sides. Being different is not a bad thing after all.

Think about “difference management” in your family dynamic and friendships, and be open to discussing and maybe getting vulnerable to find a middle ground.

The quality of our relationships is so important that it affects our success, health and even longevity (proved by research). So, let’s not blame incompatibility for our bad relationships anymore and try to become better communicators and “difference managers”.

To answer my title question, does incompatibility exist? I’d say yes, partially.

As always, I love knowing your thoughts, so leave a comment or DM me on my socials.

I wish you great success in creating amazing relationships!

Take care! xo

P.S. Can we make “difference management” a thing?! :)